So Says I
4 November 2006
Private investigators normally set up shop in the shady side of town. Their offices are characterised by dark arching shadows that are often conveniently placed to obscure faces. Window blinds help with the illusion, no one trusts a private investigator unless his office is shrouded in mystery and secrecy. Unfortunately for Harry Simmons, the rent was too high in the shady side of town and he had to set up shop in an area that got far too much sun for him to be credible.
So Harry was drunk most of the time. He got by offering services on the cheap, normally trying to solve the problems that the private investigators that could afford to be in the shit section of Cable laughed at. At the moment he was trying to piece together the mystery of Mrs Retanol's missing jars of frozen jelly. It was a week ago when she noticed they were missing, she was mystified. So she called in the experts, they did their best to contain their laughter so she went to see Harry Simmons and a week later, he was still mulling over the case. It was complex and full of dirty washing. He wasn't getting very far - predominantly because he was drunk.
The world of private investigation wasn't the world that Harry imagined when he was young, he blamed Humphrey Bogart for that. Harry would often go to see the old film noirs screening at the local one screen cinema and would get so frustrated, he'd scream out "it's not really like that! I know! For I am Harry Simmons! Come and see me for all your private investigation needs!". He'd then get thrown out, he doesn't actually do that much anymore. It cuts into his alcohol budget.
So one could imagine Harry's surprise when the classic femme fatale entered the room. The atmospheric conditions had conspired to shroud his office in shadowy darkness as she entered, her face obscured, it was like the entire world had just turned gray scale. Everything was perfect - the woman who had just entered his office was (probably) hot (he couldn't really tell). It was all a horrible cliche, it had all been done before. But Harry didn't care - this was the stuff of his childhood dreams. She spoke with a Barbara Stanwyck infused voice. Harry was just climaxing at the film noir of it all.
"I need you to do a job for me"
This was the real thing. Harry just felt it. It was so authentic, so real. Finally the movies were starting to tell the truth. About time he thought.
"Well, you've come to the right place - that happens to be my job... doing jobs"
It wasn't as impressive as he wanted it to be. Humphrey Bogart would have been much more classy.
"I trust you've heard of Jeffrey Fishbait's murder"
Harry hadn't. For he had been drunk.
"Of course"
"Yes, well, I don't trust the police to handle this right. The murderer is clearly a crafty individual and the Cable Police force are a bunch of morons..."
Harry was surprised at this statement. For he thought the Cable police force was an amazing bank of intellectual detective power. Especially that Amber. She's just amazing.
"... So I'll like to hire you to also investigate."
"I'll take the job"
Harry had completely forgotten about being Bogart-cool. He smelled money.
"Excellent. I expect you can start right away?"
"Totally. What's your relationship to the dead guy?"
"That's irrelevant I believe Mr Simmons. Best of luck."
She left. Mrs Retanol's frozen jelly jars were forgotten. Harry had a murder case to solve.
Harry may not have been the smartest guy to ever open up a private investigation office but he at least knew the number one rule of investigating in Cable - ask the Vampires first.
The Vampires that inhabit Cable spend most of their time in basement bars. Not because the sun was lethal to them, but rather simply, because the sun is a tad unpleasant. If they are in need of some Russian Caravan tea, then any Vampire would venture out into the sunlight to the supermarket (Vampires rarely agree on anything - making their consensus on only drinking Russian Caravan tea all the more interesting). These Vampires were not interested in the normal Vampire interests, they were so over killing people for blood. They just wanted to hang out in their musty basement bars debating philosophy, politics and art.
Today as Harry walked into the most popular Vampire bar - Suckles, one table was debating the merits of Epicurus, another was debating what a socialist state might just look like. Harry often visited Suckles, it was a good place to console himself on the fact that his life was shit. He found his friend, Sir Lollipop (All Vampires are prefixed with the title Sir or Lady) sitting amongst the Socialism debate - which had degenerated into something that even a undergraduate student will cringe at. Sir Lollipop was happy to get out. The Vampires knew everything, if you thought the checkout operators were bad gossip fiends - they're no match for the Vampires.
"So Harry, need some help with the frozen jelly jars? I've been hearing some juicy rumours"
"Nah, Lollipop, I've finally hit on a big case. What do you know about the Fishbait murder?"
"This one has us confounded. No one knows what's going on with that one."
"You're kidding. The biggest case to hit Cable ever and you're out of the loop?"
"I'm not proud of it. This is the biggest intelligence breakdown in Vampire history"
"Fuck. What am I supposed to do? This mysterious woman (who I failed to get a credit card from), has hired me to solve the case! I might be able to afford to get an office in the shit side of town if I break this."
"Sorry. I can tell you about who Lucy from Golden Tyres is screwing around with now"
"What? That Ralph guy?"
Sir Lollipop suddenly turned scary and started to talk in his juicy gossip voice.
"No. That's so totally over dude. Turns out Ralph's gay"
"Isn't this like the fourth one that's been gay?"
"Fifth. Anyway, Sir Winston over there saw her and Ian Tone going at it like rabbits in the garbage bin outside Lucky Ducks."
"The garbage bin?"
"Yeah. I know. Disgusting. You humans have no respect for the clean"
One can imagine how the conversation evolved from this point. After getting drunk, Harry decided he was once again in an optimal state to work. He left; tripping over the table where a group of vampires were scoffing at the idea of atomism.
The alleyway outside Suckles would look creepy if there wasn't a bloody flower shop there. The mysterious figure in the darkness was frustrated that his attempts to be creepy will be curtailed by the presence of lilies. This bothered him so much that he almost missed his big moment to be creepy. He caught sight of Harry leaving Suckles and quickly got into position.
"Hello Harry"
"Hey, are you purposely shrouded in darkness like that?"
"Yes Harry. My identity must be kept a secret from you."
"Suits me man."
"Yes. I have some advice for you: stop investigating the Fishbait murder"
"What?"
"It'll lead you to a world of despondency and general discomfort Harry. You must stop"
The man then disappeared, well this was how it appeared to Harry. In reality, the mysterious figure had negotiated with the proprietor of the flower shop for an entire hour... simply in order to set up the mechanisms for him to make an impressive exit.
Harry, being drunk, found his respect for the mysterious figure increase twofold because of the stunt. It certainly made him more credible.
Posted byBren at 2:40 pm
Labels: Cable
