Chocolate Cake
16 November 2006
Ian was planning to flee the town of Cable, the threat of the mafia portable deep fryer was a bit much for him. He had commitments in the town though and, as a man, he had to deal with them before he left like a coward. First thing he planned on doing was breaking up with his girlfriend, Hazel. He walked into his flat and saw her there sitting on the bed. She spoke first.
"Ian. We need to talk."
"I'm afraid we do."
"Yes, I'm breaking up with you."
Ian had to admit he was taken aback. He felt that the distribution of love in this relationship had been an unequal one that had given him the power in the relationship. He was the one that was meant to break it off. Not her. What the hell? She continued...
"I was thinking of doing the big speech of how it's not you it's me. But I have to be honest. It's not me. It's you. It's all you. You bore me to death. Frankly, I think of killing myself whenever I'm with you."
Well, Ian was quite surprised. But he was a rational man. He could see that this was the exact same result that he had been hoping for when he entered the room. It was simply reversed - the tides had turned a little, it wasn't going exactly to plan but he was still finishing up the with same result was he not? A rational man would let it flow out and this it what Ian would do, he could handle this.
"You fucking bitch!"
"Hey! Shut the fuck up! You're the one that dragged me to that same stupid party every week! I was bored out of mind watching you get drunk with that idiot Pete! What am I supposed to do? I want to leave this fucking lentil town!"
"And where are you going to go you slimy little cow?"
"Somewhere better than we you can take me"
"Fine. I came here to tell you that I'm leaving Cable tomorrow. Guess this was easier than I thought."
"You piece of shit. You wouldn't dare leave Cable. You love this town. You're a Cable guy."
"Not anymore. Now I am a man of the road. Chow."
"Fucker. Let me tell you, I've been trying to get pregnant with your child so I lied to you about being on the pill... guess what? I think you're shooting blanks you infertile jackass"
Meanwhile Pete was dealing with his love. The checkout machine. When he started work at Cable Food Market, it was in bad shape - cleaning was irregular, and quite frankly, Stephanie - which he had named it was protesting. Sometimes Stephanie would simply refuse to scan the bar codes or the system will crash, some will assume that this was the result of general depreciation. But Pete believed that it was a scream of help, a plea for love. Which he gave.
While he believed that his care and attention improved the performance of Stephanie. No one else saw a difference. Pete was concerned that his absence would see Stephanie go back to her dark days of neglect, he left a 12 page document detailing all the inner workings of her mechanical psyche. Pete felt himself a caring man. A customer came up to the checkout.
"Do you guys sell home-made beer kits?"
"What? Are you a fucking retard?"
Ian and Pete meet back at their agreed meeting piece - the Cable Food Market staff room. Which was empty, due to the lack of staff that the place employed. Ian was the first to suggest a problem in their plan.
"I think we should we stay here"
This was of course not due to what Ian had just gone through with his girlfriend, sorry, i mean ex-girlfriend - Ian was a much bigger man than that.
"I need to teach that bitch a lesson in manners"
So eloquent. Pete however disagreed with him.
"Man, we need to go. That deep fryer is scary, who knows what else they might do to us? They'll dump us in the lake. We'll be sleeping with the toxic lentils dude!"
"What about the fish?"
"There's no fish in that lake. They all died after eating the toxic lentils that were dumped there."
"Whatever. We're staying. We'll deal with the mafia when we need to"
"Are you kidding? What chance do me and your infertile arse have against the fucking mafia?"
"How do you know about the infertile thing?"
"Everyone knows. Hazel's spreading the rumour."
A third figure entered the staff room. Someone slightly more beefy than Julie. It was the mafia henchman.
"Hello boys"
Pete turned back to Ian
"Oh yeah, she's also spreading the rumour about you ditching town."
"Goody"
The Cable mafia were always known for their gracious hospitality and comfortable headquarters. Pete and Ian were certainly enjoying the expensive artwork on the walls as they were hang upside off the roof. The mafia henchman was watching the display.
"So boys, let me introduce myself properly - my name is Jake and you thought you'll flee did you? You actually thought that despite the presence of a mafia chapter in every single town and city worth fleeing to, well except Hunter, but that's an anomaly that will be fixed soon. Anyway, digression aside. You thought you could hide from the mafia? Silly mistake. You couldn't even get out of Cable before we caught you."
The blood flowed to Pete and Ian's head. Ian was oddly enjoying it all.
"But today is your lucky day. You see, we the Cable mafia actually have use for you. Unlike George over here."
Another henchman bought out a guy, which one could guess was George.
"You see, George here is completely useless to us. Guess how we deal with our excess baggage?"
Jake got out his gun and shot George in the head. George squirmed around for a little while as he clung onto life. So Jake shot him again in the head.
"Man, he just won't die."
George did die. The demonstration was over. Jake looked back to Pete and Ian and smiled.
"You see, we have just heard that the vampires have decided to stage a little revolution. This is could be quite contrary to the Mafia's interests. So we need you two to go undercover and see what's happening."
George had in fact not died yet and started making some gurgling noises. Jake looked over to the other henchman and gave a slight twitch of the neck. George was dragged off and more gun shots could be heard in the background. Jake turned back to the dangling Pete and Ian.
"So boys, what do you think? Can you give us a little hand?"
Pete and Ian realised that they were not in the best position to negotiate and promptly agreed to the terms. Jake let them down and smiled his evil smile.
"Excellent"
But Pete, used to a lifetime of unionised work had to ask the question.
"Do we get a health plan?"
"No"
Posted byBren at 1:10 pm
Labels: Cable
