Care of Cell 44
1 February 2007
Harry's office was normally occupied by only one person - himself. He didn't normally have much in the name of business coming his way, the private investigation market in Cable was a particularly dry one. So on many days he would drown his sorrows away with a bottle of whisky (that was filled with some pink alcoholic beverage popular amongst 17 year old females). So imagine his surprise when he suddenly found himself talking to a couple of ghosts.
(It should be noted that his surprise had nothing to do with the fact that they were ghosts. Harry talked to ghosts all the time, in fact Harry was quite popular amongst the undead.)
The ghost of Dr. Jeffrey Fishbait was standing there, next to him was Sgt. Zeverin Drains. They had their arms crossed and they looked mad.
"We're dead Harry"
"So? What do you want me to do about it?"
Ghosts have no money. They have no credit. No portfolios. They are not even a legal entity. Which is why Harry sent those pesky ghosts walking. He didn't get in the private investigation business because he wanted to right the wrongs of the world. It was for the money and the chicks. Neither of which had actually come Harry's way. So he sent those two ghosts packing and now he and Sir Lollipop were having a good old laugh about it. And now they were doing what they did every time they got together: discuss confucianism. Really. I'm perfectly serious, this is what they were doing. And they did this every single time they got together.
Yes. It's quite a dull thing to be doing.
OK, Believe me now?
Fine, I was lying. They were drunk. Harry especially. That pink alcoholic stuff is lethal.
"I'm a competent individual!"
Alcohol sure made Harry delusional. Sir Lollipop was off his rocker, not only had he been drinking his Russian Caravan tea, but he had actually eaten the tea leaves.
"Man, I can't believe those ghosts thought you'll..."
He trailed off as he saw something shiny. Harry then had a great idea.
"Let's have a race on the waterfront!"
Every single race on the waterfront followed the same rules. You started at the tourist shop, made your way across the beach, turned at the crappy children's park, across the river that ran through town that was also the vessel in which the lentil factory dumped all their toxic lentils into the lake. And finishing at the bike shop. Which was in a really weird location for a bike shop. If you think about it... let's not.
Sir Lollipop and Harry were getting ready for the race, it was the dead of the night and Cable was deserted (nothing happened after 10pm). Harry did some stretches while Sir Lollipop took his leg off and made sure that all the worms were gone (oh yeah, vampires can just remove their body parts and then reattach them whenever they want. It's one cool feature). They stared at each other and Sir Lollipop started the countdown...
"Three... Two... One... Go!"
Sir Lollipop leapt into the lead and got a huge advantage over the rather bumbling Harry. Harry reached into his pocket and shot Sir Lollipop in the leg. But he just kept on running, Harry fell over on purpose so that he would have an excuse for why he lost. He started to plan his response when he finally made it to the waiting Sir Lollipop at the finishing line... "You only won cause I fell over"... Might need a little work, a little more spazzy and a little less pathetic. Harry kept on running, he rounded into the playground. Sir Lollipop was on the bridge. But suddenly the entire Cable police force burst out from behind the dinosaur slide and see saw and pointed their guns at Harry and Sir Lollipop. Their leader came out from the swing set.
"Freeze Motherfuckers!"
He was new in town, that was for sure. He kept on talking.
"You do not mess with Felton Flowers... Oh no you don't. Where walks crime walks Felton Flowers... with bleach. So you two are under arrest under charges of ruffling my nose hairs."
Sir Lollipop was over the moon.
"Yeah man! We're under arrest! What a night Harry. What a night."
Harry and Sir Lollipop have now found themselves thrown into the one jail cell that the Cable police station offers. Harry was confused, many times he had drunken escapades through the middle of Cable and never before had he been arrested for it. Sure he was in violations of many by-laws, legally he was guilty as anything - but he never expected to be actually arrested for it, surely the police force had better things to be doing.
The new guy, this Felton Flowers fellow leaned onto the jail bars in a classic cliched way. Harry piped up,
"What are we doing here?"
Felton reached into his pockets and pulled out an egg, he stared at it for a little while and then put it in his mouth and chewed. Harry flinched at every cracking noise he heard. Felton swallowed and stared back into the cage directly at Harry.
"I'm Felton Flowers. I've been bought in to clean up crime in the town of Cable... with bleach. There's a bit of a situation unfolding at the present moment, something to do with vampires and I've been bought in to replace that crazy Amber trollop. Cable's a no tolerance zone at the moment, we're taking crime down drunkard by drunkard. Remember, where walks crime, walks Felton Flowers... with bleach."
"What the fuck was that?"
"I told you all the info I need to divulge to you sir. Now be a good zebra and blend in with the zebra crossing."
Felton walked away and paced up and down the corridor. The desk guy ran into the room and whispered something to him. Felton responded with shouting.
"Just make sure she doesn't get in."
The desk guy went back to his desk and attempted to follow the orders. But almost immediately entered Amber Sandles. And she looked mad. Felton went on the defensive.
"Look you... You have no right to be here. This is a restricted area."
"My partner died and you're not doing anything about it!"
"We're using all the available police resources on the Zeverin case!"
"His body is still in my shower!"
"It's a trick to bring out the killer!"
"I told you who the killer was! Lady Anika! The vampires!"
"Please? Do you honestly expect me to believe that? There's only been two murders in Cable for years and you actually expect me to believe that they were both committed by the same people? The probability of such a event is laughable."
"Do you know what Listener magazine said about me? And I quote, 'interesting'. That makes me much more qualified for this job than you."
"The minister has put me in charge you crazy cuckoo train. And where walks crime, walks Felton Flowers..."
"What did you call me?"
"Excuse me, you do not interrupt my slogan. Let me start again, where walks crime, walks Felton..."
"I'm going to get you Felton Flowers. Nothing else matters. You better get your dinner out of the oven, cause it's burning."
She walked off in a storm. Felton Flowers stood there and wondered just what she meant with the last statement. Sir Lollipop and Harry were also quite confused. They looked at each other and whispered.
"What the hell did she mean by that?"
Felton must have some kind of super-ears. He walked over to the two prisoners and barked.
"Felton Flowers will have none of this. I asked for silence. And I will now have to punish you."
He yelled to the desk guy.
"Bring out the bleach!"
Posted byBren at 8:05 pm
Labels: Cable
