Climbing Up The Walls
8 February 2007
Lulu placed the bag of god-knows-what on the scanner. In a clinical fashion she turned the bag over so that the front will face her, she glanced down and saw that the customer had failed to write the product number on the bag. A look of annoyance swept over her face before the sweet smile returned.
This was the problem of giving the customer creative control over the quantity of the products they purchased. They just couldn't handle the simple task of writing the simple five number code on their simple plastic bag. For the checkout operator, this is what caused the most delays, the most wasted minutes of the day were normally caused by customers failing to grasp the mechanics of the bulk bin system. Now Lulu was forced to ask the customer what exactly he had bought, because she had no idea - they had about ten different mixes of dried fruit, nuts, wheat and whatever else went into these things. And to top it all off, they all looked the same.
Lulu smiled at the customer - a nervous middle aged man wearing a white shirt with an awful purple tie who looked like he was in a rush and had just frowned at the sudden lack of the scanner machine making beeping noises. Lulu put on her polite voice.
"Sir, you haven't put on the five digit code for this bulk bin purchase. Can you please tell me what this mix is called?"
The man looked apologetic, he was sad that he had annoyed the pretty checkout girl and tried to make amends.
"Sorry, I'll just go get the numbers. Won't happen again."
"No Sir, if you just tell me what the mix is called then I can just call it up on the computer and we'll be all done."
"I don't know what it's called."
"You don't care what you're buying?"
"Those mixes all look the same."
"I'll just send the packer."
The packer took the bag and walked to the other side of the supermarket to compare mixes. Lulu was left with the man and scanned the rest of his stuff. She finished before the packer returned, as the packer on her way back from comparing mixes started chatting with a cute produce boy. Prompting such inane chatter like:
"Those tomatoes look juicy and fresh."
They weren't. They were disgusting.
"Nice weather today."
That part was true, which just made them bitter because they were spending their day inside.
"I like your hat."
I should say that packer girl and cute produce boy eventually get married. They live happily ever after - having lots of babies that follow in their parent's footsteps by spending their spare childhood working in a supermarket, packer girl turns out to be a member of the swimming pool committee. But that's completely irrelevant to the story. That's why they don't even get named, so packer girl goes back to the checkout and hands back the bag and the information Lulu needs.
"It's the orchid mix."
"What's the number?"
"I forgot... I was chatting to..."
"Fine, I'll just bring it up on the drill down"
Unfortunately the Orchid Mix was not to be found on the drill down, once again the computer system at Cable SuperFood had failed the hard working checkout operators. Lulu turned on her buzzer and a supervisor glided over. Her name was Frank. Yep. Frank.
"What?"
"Orchid Mix isn't in the drill down."
"So?"
"I'm sorry, can you only manage sentences of one word?"
"We don't have a orchid mix."
"Yes we do, it's right here. Packer girl over there saw the words on the bin herself."
"If it's not in the drill down. Then we don't sell it."
"But we do. It's right here."
"Impossible. Drill Down system is foolproof."
"No it's not. It's completely vulnerable to human error."
"We don't sell Orchid Mix."
"Then what is this?"
Frank took the bag and looked at it.
"Hell if I know, we sell like ten different mixes."
Frank chucked the bag back on the counter and walked away. The customer, looking quite irritated just said.
"Can I just not get this?"
* * *
The final customer left. The lights were switched off, the freezer covered and all the other closing rituals were observed. Lulu offered to stay a little later and help Frank close up. Once they had both signed out, they left, they walked together - talking little for a few minutes before their journey diverged from each other. Lulu lived to the east, while Frank lived in the west of Cable.
Lulu didn't go home, she walked around the next block and started to follow Frank - who was an easy target really, she wore a bright orange hat and was slightly taller than the average female. Lulu hung back about a block but Frank never suspected a thing. They walked through the central business district, up the hills into the second commercial area of town until they reached Frank's apartment complex. Lulu got a little closer and saw her go up to the mailbox and grab some letters from the one labelled G.
She knew where Frank lived now.
* * *
It was convenient that Lulu was in the west side of town, that was the only place one could get a gun in Cable. The idea of trying to source a gun in the east side of town was laughable. The east side of town was full of rich people and idiots. They wouldn't know what side of the gun to hold, this was not some random quip that Lulu was making about the members of the east side (for she was a member of this esteemed group) but backed with hard cold evidence. The east side of Cable had the highest reported cases of gun injury due to the gun being faced the wrong way. Lulu deals in facts you see.
Except when she's mad, then she just makes shit up.
She remembered the advice given to her by that creepy guy at school - "look for the crappiest houses in the area, the really nice ones next to them is where you can source your guns and drugs and whatever else you require from the black market. Children, dragons, whatever you want."
How typical that the creepy guy would know that. She found a place that looked good and walked in, she had hit the right place. It was a simple set-up - there was a potted plant in the corner, the walls were bright white, the calendar behind the reception was up to date and the girl next to the calendar was smiling, Lulu walked up to her with a nervous step.
"Hi, I want to purchase a gun."
"Excellent choice madam. Let me just see if our weaponry vice-president is available."
The receptionist picked up the phone and pressed a couple of buttons. She waited for three and a half rings before the other end answered.
"Mr. Hans? You have a customer."
She paused for a second, listening to the reply.
"Great. We'll be right through."
The receptionist stood up and took Lulu's arm, made her smile bigger and took her to the back door, they went into the back room - which was completely dark. Lulu felt a cold pistol on the back of her neck.
"Stay still."
The receptionist turned the light on, the room was full of boxes, nothing but boxes. Lulu was alone with the receptionist.
"OK little girl, we are not in the business of morality, we don't care where our goods end up - we're not ones to discriminate against you because you're so young. All that we care about is that you pay. Cash. Up front. There are no fancy no-interest-for-24-months payment plans here. You got the cash?"
Lulu reached into her purse, threw out a little bag that made a hefty thump when it hit the ground. The receptionist picked it up and looked inside (whilst still holding the gun to Lulu's neck), she finished and removed the gun, she put her smile back on.
"That'll get you something nice. What do you want?"
"Something that points and shoots more or less."
"You'll like this."
* * *
"What are we doing here?"
Jimmy was cold, it was 2am and he was tired. Lulu had dragged him out of bed all the way to the west side of town and now they were sitting outside some apartment complex.
"You'll do anything for me right Jimmy?"
"Of course"
"OK. That's good to know."
She reached into her purse and pulled out her newly purchased gun and handed it over to him.
"There's a woman that lives in apartment G. She goes by the name of Frank. She annoys me, I want you to go in and kill her."
"What? No!"
"OK, just wound her or something, shoot her in the kneecaps. That'll be dandy."
"You can't be serious."
"I am. Jimmy, you just said you'll do anything for me right?"
"Under reason!"
"Fuck you. You're such a lying dick. You can't go around saying things unless you're willing to back them up."
"I'm not going to shoot anyone."
"I'll break up with you."
"What?"
"Shoot the bitch or I'll break up with you. And take it from me Jimmy, no other girls will do what I do for you - it's just too kinky."
A bright light blinded the two of them. A voice could be heard behind it.
"Freeze Mother fuckers!"
It was Felton Flowers, he walked up to the two of them and placed handcuffs on them.
"Ah, where walks crime, walks Felton Flowers, ready to clean it up... with bleach. Oh boy, are you two in deep excrement. Take them away boys."
The two female deputies gave Felton a stony look before putting Jimmy and Lulu in the back seat. Lulu glanced at Jimmy.
"If you truly loved me you wouldn't have got me arrested shit head."
* * *
Jimmy and Lulu were put into the one jail cell Cable offered. It was getting kind of full, as Harry and Sir Lollipop were already there. Along with another guy who looked like a complete mess. Harry looked to be in awful pain while Sir Lollipop was looking completely fine and dandy, so he kicked off the conversation with the newbies.
"What are you guys in for?"
"Possession of a firearm."
"Oh, we were just running around drunk."
"Cool. What's wrong with these guys?"
Lulu pointed at Harry and the other guy. Sir Lollipop filled her in.
"Well, Felton Flowers over there bathed Harry here in some bleach."
The other guy screamed...
"And this guy, well, Felton Flowers decided he didn't like the way his eyes were so blue so he injected some bleach into his bloodstream. Frankly, I thought he'll be dead. But I'm no science guy..."
Lulu just gave Jimmy another look.
Posted byBren at 6:01 pm
Labels: Cable
