Wave Of Mutilation
4 March 2007
"I think we're lost."
Lettuce was doubting me again. She had been doing that a lot recently.
"No seriously Mustard, I swear we passed this rotting carcass already."
"All rotting carcasses look the same."
"Look, if there is one skill I have it's telling one rotting carcass from another and we have totally passed this carcass already."
"I could leave you as a rotting carcass."
"What was that?"
"Nothing."
"No. You said that you could leave me as a rotting carcass. And then you didn't have the mouse-balls to say it over your breath."
"How did you hear me?"
"I have excellent hearing. Now look, we're lost."
Man, when did Lettuce get so damn annoying. I swear, she wasn't like this back at the mouse colony. She was nice and polite and never anticipating what I was going to say and always pre-empting me. I knew what she needed.
"Hey Lettuce..."
"No, I don't want sex. You think you can solve everything through sex... "
Damn. Fine, so that didn't work. For a whole two hours, Lettuce and I had been stuck in the giant maze, this was the only way to the surface and many many mice had died in their travels through here. It was treacherous and so very confusing. Everything looked the same, we would approach an intersection and it would offer us three choices - left, right and straight ahead. Whichever one we choose would wind around a little bit until we found ourselves at another intersection which looked exactly the same, everything was connected to everything else. Whoever designed this mess should be shot, and then feasted upon. Stupid humans.
Two hours after leaving the mouse colony and the most perfect relationship mice had ever seen was falling apart from the seams. I couldn't believe it, one minute we were the Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez of our generation and the next, well, we were the Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez of our generation. I don't really know what I'm on about, human popular culture is beyond a mouse.
Lettuce turned back to me.
"I guess we just need to keep on going."
Damn straight woman. No way are we going back to that mouse colony, no, I have too much pride wrapped up in this. We can't go back there, I'd rather be dead than go back there and be known as the ones that failed to escape this sewerage.
"Mustard!"
I looked up, Lettuce had gone ahead for a while and she was now surrounded by some angry looking mice. It was them. The mice that had never found their way out, had never found their way back to the colony. Some of the crazy old woman mice would tell tales of these groups of mice that were driven insane by the sewers, who were constantly lost. They had lost all the nobility of what it is to be a mouse, us children thought those old woman mice were just off their rockers trying to fill our heads with these stories - scare us into cleaning up our patch of straw, like when they told us about monetary policy. We all had a good laugh about that one.
But boy, when I saw those mice with their crazy eyes and their deformed tails and dirty fur surrounding Lettuce I just wanted to crawl back to the colony with my tail between my legs. But all I could think about was the time that Lettuce and I spent hours playing in human waste. I wasn't going to let her be mouse-raped, killed and feasted upon by these brutes.
I scooted up there, four of them were surrounding Lettuce. Each one was at least twice my size. I got out my angry voice.
"Step back!"
It was amazing. I was amazing. Upon hearing the sheer force of my voice those four bolted. Lettuce bounced over to me.
"My hero!"
"Well, I wouldn't let anything happen to my little Lettuce..."
But the celebrations had started too soon, at that moment another mouse emerged from the darkness of the sewers, this guy was huge, he was at least three times the size of the others. He barely fit through the pipes but managed to cover ground with the grace of a antelope, his eyes were so much crazier, his tail was so deformed and he had clearly evolved past the need for fur. This was one ugly mouse, clearly his time in the sewer maze had not treated him well. I was glued to the spot watching, I was transfixed by this spectacle. Lettuce bit into my fur and tried to pull me back.
"Come on, we've got to run."
She managed to pull hard enough to get my attention and we ran. Lettuce led the way, left and right we went anything to throw the beast off our tracks until we saw a most bizarre sight, a bright light emerging from the cracks. The beast and his cronies fled when they saw it, Lettuce walked towards and pushed at the wall until it broke off.
"Mustard! We did it! We're out!"
I couldn't believe my eyes, Lettuce and I walked out of the pipes and found ourselves on the outside. The place of our dreams. Those green fields were calling.
Posted byBren at 8:19 pm
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