No Curry Production Allowed
15 November 2007
The sun rose in an awkward fashion in the morning as if being controlled by a conservative clumsy puppeteer on crack. Danny left the flat in the morning with his prepared advertisement to post around campus, it read:
- FLATMATE WANTED - MALE OR FEMALE
- CHEAP RENT - TEN MINUTE WALK TO CAMPUS
- MUST BE OK WITH UNKNOWN CREATURE LIVING OUTSIDE
- NO WORSHIPERS OF THE GREAT LADYBIRD IN THE SKY
- NO CURRY PRODUCTION ALLOWED
- NO FANS OF BLUEGRASS OR RAP OR THE COMBINATION OF THESE TWO MUSICAL GENRES
- MUST SHOWER ON A REGULAR BASIS
- MUST BRING CLEANING SUPPLIES
- INQUIRIES TO 88 JACKSON DRIVE
The person at the front of the line, ``I'm here because of your flatmate wanted advertisement. Tell me, does this flat come with doors? That'll certainly be novel.''
``How long have you been waiting out here?''
``An hour.''
``Why didn't you knock?''
``Seemed rude.''
``So you want to live here?''
``Yeah.''
``No. You cannot. Go away.''
``Why?''
``You annoy me.''
The first man walked off and April looked at the next person in line - a girl with blue hair. ``Come in.''
* * *
On the other side of town Richard had began organising his bluegrass rap collective. He decided that he'll take this turn of events in his life to do what he had always dreamed of doing ever since he was fifteen and first discovered the wonders of bluegrass rap. He stole a banjo from a blind woman and began searching for a harmonica player. The harmonica player would be a pivotal role in his collective and so his search would be a long one, he found a bridge and looked under it and that was when he saw a woman hunched over chewing on a shoe. ``Excuse me miss, what is your name?''
She ceased chewing on her shoe and looked at him. She had one eye missing. ``Turnip.''
``Well Turnip. Would you like to be my harmonica player?''
``What's that?''
``A harmonica. You blow. It makes noise.''
``Sounds like what I do for fifty bucks.''
Richard pointed to the bread maker in was carrying around, ``I can provide you with hot fresh bread.'' He looked around the underside of the bridge. ``You don't happen to have some yeast do you? And a power point could be handy.''
* * *
The three remaining flat mates at 88 Jackson Drive were seated on three dining chairs as they looked down at the girl with the blue hair sitting in the couch. Danny opened the questioning, ``what's your name?''
``Ellie''
``That's a nice name.''
``Are you kidding? That's an ugly name.'' said April.
``Well at least it's more interesting than being named after a month.'' replied Georgia.
``You're named after a state! And not even one of the good ones!''
Danny could see where this was going and attempted to throw cold water on the situation, ``Girls! We're missing the point... Any questions for Ellie?''
Georgia asked the only question she felt was necessary, ``Let's say you were driving late at night in the middle of nowhere and you run out of gas; you keep on going hoping to make it somewhere to refill your car but it just doesn't happen and you stop. You get out of your car and find that you've ended up right next to another car that is full of dead bodies. Then you see him - a really hot boy who's lying on top of the car having a smoke shirtless - he's shirtless because his shirt is covered in blood which is right next to him along with a bloodied knife. My question to you is, why didn't you bring any makeup on your car trip?''
Ellie spent a few seconds on her answer before replying, ``I'm a lesbian.''
``So?''
``I don't need makeup to attract hot male serial killers.''
``Interesting answer.'' Georgia sat back and put her hands behind her head and nodded towards the others - ``well, I'm done.''
Danny looked to April, ``Any questions?''
``No.''
Danny looked to Ellie and said, ``Great, we'll tell you soon if you get the room. Can you give us a contact number?''
``Oh I'll just wait outside until you can tell me if that's alright.''
``That's fine... here... you might want a stick.''
* * *
On the other side of town Richard was considering his options; now that he had Turnip, his harmonica player he just needed someone to play a washboard. He had a look around the homeless district of Friedman and thought he had found the perfect guy but Turnip told him that his 'perfect' guy had a wife who stole food out of people's shopping trolleys when they weren't looking. Richard didn't want anyone married in his musical collective, their only love should be for the music. Love between people just wrecked it all. That was when he actually did spot his perfect washboard player - he wasn't homeless and seemed to work for a bank or something but he could tell that this was the man for him. He went up to him. ``Hey! Dude! Want to join my bluegrass rap musical collective?''
``Do I get to play washboard?''
``Yes.''
``Awesome. I'm in.''
``What's your name?''
``Jill.''
``That's a girl name.''
``I know. I hate my parents. Now if you excuse me, I need to go quit my job so that I can fully dedicate myself to bluegrass rap.''
Richard was happy. He had his musical collective together. He had a bread maker. Life was good without those oppressive bastards back at his old flat in his life.
* * *
The oppressive bastards were still going through the applicants. Ellie, the girl with blue hair had so far turned out to be the best prospect for the room. The second person had been German and was immediately thrown back out onto the street and the third person had an odd tendency to quote depressing Pink Floyd lyrics. They finally got onto the last applicant. He was dressed in a mysterious cloak that had no definable colour and they couldn't really see his face but that didn't overly concern them. They began to ask questions. Danny always began with boring ones, ``What do you study?''
The applicant always spoke in a dull monotone voice that reeked of the sinister, ``You could say I study human behaviour.''
They were alarmed at this, it meant he studied something silly like Psychology, Anthropology or Philosophy. Georgia asked her question about the hot serial killer and the applicant gave the answer, ``But I did bring my makeup. It's just in the glove compartment.''
``What glove compartment? Your car doesn't have a glove compartment.''
``What kind of car is this?''
``Why didn't you bring your makeup... What is your name?''
The applicant glanced around the room for a while trying to think of a name on the spot. ``Panasonic.''
``So Panasonic, why didn't you bring your makeup?''
``Why does it matter why I didn't bring it? The point is I don't have it. I'll just need to rely on my natural good looks to score the hot serial killer.''
Georgia smiled and sat back. ``I like him.''
April decided to lay down the conditions, ``Fine, the room is yours. We do have to warn you though. The previous tenant left it in an awful state. I hope you bought some powerful cleaning supplies.''
``I think you will find that the room has already been cleaned.''
They walked into the room and found it completely empty. Panasonic moved into the center of the room and said ``I think I will now sleep.''
The flat mates watched as their newest addition simply faded away leaving them alone in Richard's old room. April was the first to speak, ``That was a little odd.''
Posted byBren at 6:10 pm
